Conventional wisdom would say that it would be crazy to post this here…so of course I did.
Why was it so heavy and surreal to hear the news Monday afternoon that Robin Williams had died. Was it that he was just so famous that his personality seemed to be part of my life? Was it that I had met him over 20 years ago when I built some cabinets for his house off Trinity Road and then again in San Francisco? Maybe, but deep down in my gut I know the real reason. It’s the fact that I too battle with depression.
What makes this week so sad, so real and so uncomfortable is that I know what it is like to feel like there is no hope. I know what it is like to lie in bed and feel as if a heavy weight is resting on your soul. To hear people you love say, you are smart, handsome and talented and to have it all seem so dull and hollow. To feel like the sun can’t possibly rise on a better tomorrow. To not be able to see, or hear or feel truth. Yes, I know what it’s like, and it scares me. Disclaimer, today, this week and for the last several months..I feel good, I have hope. But when hope is low and in short or no supply, it can be a scary place.
I definitely can’t and don’t want to speak for every person that struggles with depression, I can only tell my personal story. But this I know. I need hope. I need to always believe that tomorrow will be better and that even though I may not be where I want to be, I’m not where I used to be and my dreams are still real, and they can come true.
Words like, “Appreciate the present, be grateful for what you have, you are a great person with so much to give”. These are all of the wonderful things that the people that love me will say. I know they are right and I appreciate the love. But here is the deal. When depression hits, it hits hard. It’s like the black blanket of doom is placed over your body and all rational thought is smothered by fear and doubt.
That’s when it is scary. That’s when you begin to think that this is how life will always be, that it won’t get better and brighter. That is when you start to think that the only way to make it better is to stop breathing. I can say that today, I know that’s not the truth. But I can completely understand how bad thoughts can lead to even worse decisions.
I’m sad for a number of reasons.
- Robin Williams was an amazing person, he will be missed so much
- Depression is real and it scares me.
- Today and unfortunately every single day after today someone else will give in to hopelessness. They will not be as famous as Robin and to almost everyone except their family and close friends they will go unnoticed, but they are just as important.
I don’t really know if I said anything that matters here, but I just needed to think and type. Depression is real, it’s scary and it’s ok to admit and talk about. If anyone that reads this ever just needs someone to talk to, I will talk to you, anytime.
I am grateful for Megan, Kyle and Eric. Everyday.
Don’t believe the lies. You are special.